Autobiography (why I won't use a Tommy gun)

The most creepy part of my life is when I stick up for a decision, when I think of something that defines me, that makes me stronger and when I stand up for it I find out that no one believes me, I find out that people around me not necessarily believe in what I believe is right and just; that part of my life is frightening.

Despite of how creepy it sounds it happens almost all the time and with everyone hence it is normal or perhaps a ritual that everyone feels and goes through. Although it is scary to decide something that can change the direction of your life from one track to another especially when you have no clue whether that particular, new track would bring happiness or not; you still go right ahead and do it.

In life there always comes a time when you decide something but no one votes for it and when you remain stern and strong, “pop!” and you grow up. That is when you notice a gray hair (although you had it since high school) and think of yourself as a 40 year old person even though you are 23.

I have a history of doubting my decisions because of the difference of opinions, mine and everyone else’s. As a result I never find courage to fight for something that I plan to dedicate me life for, and afterwards I give up and follow the sheep. Even though I know that I am the rightful owner, that I waited and perhaps went through a lot to finally feel that now I have the rein in my hand, I can turn where ever I want to, go fast or slow, I still doubt myself.  

Life is not a long saga; it is more like a short documentary considering the amount of people I see dying every second. Life is scary, it makes you jittery. Life is more frightening when you stand alone for your rights and especially when even those who know that they can give you something that is rightfully yours; they just decide to not do it after all.

On the contrary, you have to turn over a new leaf every now and then. You have to tell everyone, those who do not believe your decisions and those who are not giving you what is yours rightfully, that it does not matter what they think, that this is not the full stop, that for once you have decided something unconventional, that they must like you and your decision because they need to know that you want nothing more than that particular theory to be converted into practice.

Of course if I was like Hitler I would not have to worry about the 442 words that I wrote up there, I could just use a Kalashnikov or something, may be a Tommy gun, anything to get what I want. Then again that would not be me; I would rather want people to vote for me, without the depressive music playing in the back drop (no thank you).

I now know though, that I have the rein in my hand, I now know that I would not end up doubting myself. Now I know that even though not a single human being on earth is with me, I am with myself. Now I know that my decision to do something unconventional will inundate everyone’s opposition and not my doubting-myself-giving-up kind of an attitude. If I know how to put the solution of my problem in words, I will do whatever it takes to act according to the theory. This I promise to myself and to everyone.